So far when things fall apart it's because something better has come to take their place in my life. I've decided to subscribe to that for now. Maybe it's not me that has to change but what I let myself be surrounded with.

I mean probably. Who knows? 

As I've gotten older I've noticed that the people I know sleep earlier. I've always been me of a night owl but there have always been others! Now it's 3am on a Thursday morning and the wind is howling. My front door is feeling flimsy as it rocks in its hinges. It would seem that everyone is safe in bed somewhere and suddenly I don't want time to myself anymore. Am I really already 25? World, you haven't prepared me enough for this life.   

Hi Dre. Stop reading this piece of crap as you're the only one who does and it catches me off guard when people do. I assumed that this xanga was so obscure that no one would ever read it. Also, betlog.

P.S. stop crotch stomping yourself

Today I watched an episode of The Office ( i know people still watch that?) and I'm coming to realize that sometimes people just need drama in their life. I wonder if I need to stop chilling so much or if I need to find someone that is more like me. Pam was obsessed with finding out if her husband Jim was attracted to a new girl at the office but really, why does it matter? Jim is a good person who would never cheat on her (fuck me). Even if he was, he was lying FOR her because she was crazy and pregnant and so she pried over and over creating this craziness of emotion. In the end, it was resolved when they found out Jim had high blood pressure from a "makeshift lie detector." Suddenly petty drama/insecurity didn't matter anymore because there was something so much bigger at hand. I wonder, am I supposed to just humor drama at times to keep things "fresh?" I don't know, I'm still working things out and honestly it sounds stupid, but the more I think about it the more I'm wondering if there may be a certain truth to it. To prevent staleness. Maybe it's just different from person to person. For now I'm just going to learn day by day and be prepared for a better future. Hang on tight future, I'm coming for you and can't wait to see what you're like.

Edit: I've been thinking and maybe it just has to do with trust and openness, even if it's not pretty. I'm probably overly trusting and tend to have total faith in a partner. I'm thinking that  I need to be mere selective in this. It doesn't work unless the other is just as open and honest. It's nice to think about what I deserve and what I didn't give myself. Future, you look even brighter now.

I'm thankful for my wise friends. I know now that it's okay for me to have moments of weakness. What's important is to think about what I deserve. Things are starting to feel a little more right day by day. I can feel myself getting stronger. I have a little more resolve. Maybe someday things will work out the way I've hoped and that would be great, but if they don't I'll still be all right.